Sta.sh
It was the night of the great dragon migration. All of the families in ponyville had dug their own trenches to get a good view. My family was particularly lucky however, our house was built at the base of the mountain that the dragons migrated to every year. Each year we could see them arrive and they never caused us any trouble. My father, who was a captain of the royal guard, had made an agreement with the dragons that if we avoided contact with them they would not bother us or our property. Unexpectedly they stayed true to their word. Never having any trouble from them as long as we stayed at the base of the mountain and they ruled it's peak. My mother who was a talented farmer, trained by the famous Carrot Top herself, would often offer crops, and the gemstones she found while digging, to the dragons in order to keep them happy. They never asked for this but they did enjoy her generosity.
This year was different though. This was the first year i could fly strong enough to reach the peak. My parents always warned me never to fly to close to the edge of the mountain. But i never listened. Often going up there to get away from them or to practice my flying. My dream was to one day become leader of the wonderbolts, the best fliers in all of equestria, and to do that i would have to train everyday. Learning new tricks and training to increase my wingpower at every chance i could.
The migration was like it was every year. Hundreds of dragons flying to the peak of our mountain, mom offering her usual amount of food and gemstones, and the dragons leaving in one week to go back home. After seeing the dragons leave as i always had i decided to go up to the peek to practice my signature moves and prepare for the best young fliers competition, witch was coming up in a few weeks. I flew faster than i had ever flown to get to the peak,excited,knowing that dragons hoard valuable gems and treasures, that there still might be some gemstones, or other valuable things i could sell to get a few extra bits to pay for the competition.
I was about to touch down into the crater when my father, who must have seen me flying towards the top, flew in and landed directly in my path. " Icarus! What do you think you doing! Its to dangerous for you to be up here!" He yelled in anger. "I was just....." before i could even finish my father grabbed me and pulled me behind him "Son whatever happens i want you to fly down and get as far away from here as possible!" I didn't know what he was talking about...and then i saw it. A dragon unlike any other was coming out of the cave directly behind where i was standing before my father had moved me.
"what are you still doing here Goliath?" my father yelled out to the dragon. The dragon looked down at my father as if he were looking at nothing more than a mere ant "As one of the dragon elders it is my duty to stay behind and protect what the others have left. what are you doing here Crimson Armor? I told you never to come to this peak again and your family will be spared! Are you challenging me?" "I am just here to get my son. I mean you no harm. He is young and didn't know any better" my father replied. As he said this i saw my father gripping the sword he had hidden under his wing. "Well then i think he needs to be taught a lesson!" yelled Goliath. Just then fire rained down from the dragons mouth. My father who was directly in its path pushed me out of the way before taking off into the sky.
The battle continued for what seemed like an eternity. My father, who was an expert at combat flying, matched the dragon's every move blow for blow. I stood there helpless. My father fought tirelessly until Goliath was finally able to get in one shot. But that's all it took. With one swing of his mighty claws my father fell out of the air and landed right beside me. he was injured. Loosing a lot of blood, his wings were severely burnt, his right front hoof was broken and he couldn't fly. he looked at me and said in his dieing breath "i'm sorry son, i couldn't protect you." and he was gone.
At that moment something snapped inside of me. Something I didn't know existed within me. I picked up his sword ,witch was so heavy i could barely carry it, and flew towards the dragon. I knew i had no chance against him but i didn't care i flew as fast as i could until i reached the monster. Goliath stopped to look at me but all he did was laugh at how small i was compared to the sword. He took in one breath or air and unleashed a fire i had never seen before. I flew there hovering as i watched the fire slowly surround me. and closed my eyes and began to cry.
"I'm alive?. But why? I saw the fire coming toward me. So why am i still alive?" I thought. Then I opened my eyes just in time to see my mother falling from the sky in front of me. "MOM! Are you okay? mom speak to me! MOM". but it was to late she dove into the fire to shield me from the flames. And now she was gone to. I didn't know what to do my mother and father were both gone. I looked to Goliath who at this time had just noticed that i was still alive and began to walk toward me. This didn't phase me now. I looked at my parents and then turned to the setting sun as it slowly lowered itself beyond the horizon as the moon rose right beside it. I closed my eyes. And accepted my fate.
"Where am i?" I said waking up in a small white room . "How did i get here?". The doctor, who was in the room fixing my bandages, turned to see that i had begun to wake up "You've been in a horrible accident! You've been asleep for 2 days. You shouldn't move much until you've healed.". "Your lucky to be alive not many ponies can say they have survived a dragon attack. Although you didn't get out unscathed. Your wings are severely burnt and without a miracle u might never be able to fly outside of gentle gliding."
I sat there silent for what must have been hours contemplating what he had just said. "My dreams, my future, my family, all gone in one day because i was stupid enough not to listen to them. What do i do now? Im nothing without my wings." These thoughts kept reoccurring in my head for hours until the doctor came back and I finally found the words to speak.
"How am i still alive?" I asked unsure of what had happened. The doctor looked to me with a slight smile and said you should ask them... just as he said that the 3 most beautiful ponies I had ever seen walked into the room. I knew who two of them where but the other was a stranger. "Princess Celestia! Princess Luna! im honored to see you but why are you here?" I said without thinking. "I'm glad to see that your getting better!" luna replied. Celestia began talking to the doctors about my injuries and how long I would need until I was able to get back on my hoofs. So I focused on finding out what happened to me and how I survived.
I began talking to Luna about how they had seen me as she was raising the moon, how they defeated the dragon, and had brought me here. After a while I noticed the third pony who had entered with them. She was different from anypony I had ever met. her coat was an icy blue color that I had never seen before, her mane was a deep green with eyes to match. But those eyes, when she looked at you with those eyes it felt as if she was looking into your very soul. She hadn't said anything when they entered and I hardly noticed her until now. i don't know why but just seeing her made the pain in my heart soften a bit. Finally she came up to me and with a gentle smile said "My name is Winter Willow, but you can call me Willow. There's no need for you to be afraid any longer your safe now and we will be here for you if you need help!"
Princess Luna came over trying to lighten the mood by asking "So what does you cutiemark stand for?" "Cutiemark?" I replied "What cutiemark?" then I looked back and saw it. My mark. Two beautiful angel wings with a single flame in between them. "But how?" I said trying to piece everything together. And then it hit me. The moment i picked up my fathers sword my goal was clear. "Funny isn't it?" i said in an almost sinister tone."Funny how when you finally figure out what you want to do with your life, all chances of pursuing it are taken away."
Luna was confused "What do you mean by that?" Just then Celestia joined in and said "Sister his wings are burnt far worse than we had thought. For him average flight is all he will ever be able to accomplish." Luna looked at me like Celestia had just told her that I was going to die. Although for a Pegasus losing the ability to fly might as well be death itself. "But sister there has to be a.." "No there isn't. Not even our magic can fix his wings to what they used to be! We have to go now. I'm sorry Icarus. I will visit you again soon" I saw a tear roll down her face as she left. As she was about to leave Willow turned and looked back to me. before I could even say one word she stopped me and said with that same gentle smile "There will always be hope. as long as you are alive believe in yourself and in the princesses and you will be okay." and with that she was gone.
Throughout the next few days they visited me every so often. Most times just long enough to say hello and check how I was doing. But during all this time Willow's words were still echoing in my mind "Believe in the princess? What could she have meant by that? This continued until the day before I was supposed to get released from the hospital. They came to visit me as they always had. But something was different. when they came they told me that I was welcome to come live at the castle until I found another place to say as long as I worked as part of their castle's staff. I gratefully accepted knowing I couldn't return to the house I had once known.
As I left the hospital that day Princess Luna came to see me out. "Can't have our new servant getting hurt on his way to work now can we?" she said jokingly. After signing some paperwork and checking that everything was in order Luna bolted outside pulling me along with her. She pulled me to the side and said in a serious tone i had never heard from her before "Don't listen to my sister or those doctors, there is hope for your wings." I didnt know what to say. "Princess are you sure about this?" I finally managed to ask. "Yes i am. Do you trust me?" She asked trying to hide her unsure face. At that moment what Willow had told me made sense."believe in the princess". After thinking for a few seconds I turned to her and said "Princess i trust you and I believe in you." She laughed as I tried to hide the fact that i was blushing. At that moment she used her magic to lift me off the ground, since I still couldn't fly on my own, and said "This will be dangerous are you sure you wanna go?". "I'm safe as long as i'm with you" i replied. This time it was her trying to hid a blush. and with that we were off...
to be continued.......
Paragraph 1:
Always capitalize Ponyville
Why exactly, is the family lucky to live at the base of the mountain. Does this mean they don’t have to dig a trench?
Also, you don’t fly strong, you can fly well, or have your wings finally be strong enough.
Paragraph 2:
where it says “But I never listened” you either need to make that part of the previous sentence or remove the word but, for grammatical correctness.
“and to do that, I would have to train every day” make sure you always capitalize “I” and also, take out would, while grammatically correct, would suggests it is somewhat of a suggestion, as opposed to a necessity.
Paragraph 3:
“The migration was like it was every year.” Should It be This? I have a hard time seeing how something is like itself, it sounds very awkward. This makes it sound more like and event than an item.
“After seeing the dragons leave as i always had i decided to go up to the” you need a comma after Had, to show that the idea is separate, but still somewhat part of the first idea.
You used the wrong Which, you put witch, as in the group of people prosecuted forever ago.
You need a space before the word excited, after every comma.
Paragraph 4:
At the beginning of the quote part, when yelling “icarus” remove the space between “ and his name.
You used the wrong to, for the use you want, which is talking about a degree of danger, you want too.
There is no correct use of the string of periods, but most people go with 3 to show confusion. Also, in that same spot, before the word before, you need but.
In “son whatever happens…” you need a comma after son, and happens. Also, when speaking this deliberately, he would probably not shout it, the use of ! is not exactly proper.
At the end of the paragraph, was should be had been.
Paragraph 5:
Make sure you capitalize the first word of sentences, you didn’t capitalize what *trollface*
You need a period after the word ant.
When dialogue changes from one character to the other, it usually ends the paragraph, and the second speaker starts a new paragraph.
For the start of the fight in this paragraph, you need commas around “who was directly in its path”
Chapter 6:
Instead of “I stood there helpless” I think “I stood by helpless” would sound somewhat better.
Again, either made “but…” part of the previous sentence, or remove it from that sentence.
You need to capitalize He after talking about the hit and landing
In that same part, it should be 1 sentence, “he was injured, losing a lot of blood…”
“his right hoof was broken and he couldn't fly” would be better phrased as “his right hoof as broken; he couldn't fly” or put “he couldn't fly” as a separate sentence, I suggest the second one.